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Save the Dates are a fairly recent invention, but that doesn’t mean they’re free from the rules that govern so much of the wedding planning process. Sending out Save the Dates is a sign your wedding planning is truly underway, but it is too early to ask guests to make a commitment of their own?
Before you consider requesting RSVPs in return for your Save the Dates, take a minute to learn more about Save the Dates, RSVPs, and why the two should never mix.
What is a Save the Date?
Save the Dates are basically a courtesy alert letting potential wedding guests know that you’re getting married and they’re likely to be invited. Think of it as a heads up for guests who need to kick-start their own pre-wedding planning just as you’re about to embark on yours.
No matter what type of wedding you have in mind, your guests need some lead time in order to get their ducks in a row. At the very least, they’ll need to plan for a day off work or ensure they have a block of time free from other personal obligations. If they’ll need to travel to attend your wedding, that brings a slew of other factors into play, including planning for any or all of the following:
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Air travel
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Rental cars
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Hotel accommodations
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New venue- or destination-appropriate clothes
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Extended time off work
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Childcare
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Visas or passport renewals for a destination wedding
Experts recommend sending out your Save the Dates around 10-11 months before your proposed wedding date, with Wedding Invitations to follow. Those Save the Dates will include essential information such as your names, a short “we’re getting married” type of announcement, the general location (city and state is enough for now), and, of course, the date. Everything else will be shared later either via the formal invite or through your wedding website, should you choose to set one up.
What is an RSVP?
The acronym RSVP is a shortened version of the French phrase répondez s'il vous plait, which translates to “respond, if you please.” In the United States, we use RSVP to indicate that we’re expecting a response from someone we’ve invited to an event such as a birthday party, gala, or wedding.
Though the full four-letter RSVP is still the most common version of the “reply please” request used in modern wedding invites, there are some other variations you may choose to include in your Wedding Invitation.
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RSVP, regrets only. This phrase assumes that the invited guest will be in attendance unless they respond to say otherwise.
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Please RSVP. This is usually an attempt at being extra polite, but given that the original répondez s'il vous plait phrase already includes the word “please,” saying “Please RSVP” is redundant.
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Please respond by ____. This option takes out the RSVP altogether, making the request clearer for those who may be unfamiliar with the abbreviation and adding in a deadline for replies.
Can you ask guests to RSVP when they get their Save the Date?
No, and here’s why: A Save the Date is not a Wedding Invitation. In fact, receiving a Save the Date card doesn’t even guarantee a guest will subsequently be invited to the main event. It only signifies that someone’s in the running.
That may seem mean, but the fact is your guest list may go through several cuts between the initial brainstorming process and the time you submit a final headcount to your caterer. When you’re first daydreaming about who might attend your ceremony and reception, it’s easy to envision welcoming everyone from your childhood best friend to your sorority sisters or fraternity brothers from college. But once the planning process is in full swing, you’ll see that your dream list often has to give way to reality.
Your first-choice venue may have a smaller occupancy cap than expected. Your budget may not allow for the 300 people on your original list. You may decide to switch from a large, formal wedding to a smaller affair in a much more casual setting. You may decide you don’t want to pay for your mom’s entire sewing circle (most of whom you’ve never even met) to have a four-course sit-down dinner. The point is, things change, and asking for an RSVP in response to a Save the Date locks you into a guest list that is far from finalized.
That doesn’t mean you should send Save the Dates to every person who crosses your mind. Think of it as a curated list. These are the people you’ll invite if everything goes according to plan. Don’t send someone a Save the Date just to announce your engagement if you don’t think you’ll invite them later. Instead, make your guest list, make the first cuts to eliminate people who you can’t truly see by your side on the big day, and then proceed.
The other reason you should wait on RSVPs is because it’s simply too early. There is a several-month gap between when Save the Dates are sent out and when Wedding Invitations go in the mail, and weeks if not months after that before you expect guests to confirm attendance. Asking for RSVPs too early is almost guaranteeing an inaccurate count. Most people just don’t know their schedules that far in advance. Those who say yes might have something come up in the next 11 months that prevents them from attending after all. Those that say no 11 months out from your wedding date could have an entirely different life by the time you’re ready to say I do. It’s best for all involved to just wait.
Should you count RSVPs from guests who reply to your Save the Dates anyway?
Surprise! Some guests may RSVP to your Save the Date postcards or magnets anyway, even if you don’t include a reply card. Watch your texts, email, and social media DMs, because it’s likely at least one person will be so excited to watch you get hitched that they’ll jump the gun and try to secure their place ASAP.
And that’s okay. Just gently remind your enthusiastic loved ones that invites are still on the way, and that you’d appreciate it if they could RSVP again once they receive their invitation so you can properly account for all responses at the same time. This will streamline the planning process and help with organization, plus there will likely be other info you’ll need to gather as part of that formal RSVP, such as meal preference and how many people are attending from each family.
A few other pieces of Save the Date etiquette
While you’re busy contemplating the dos and don’ts of Save the Dates and wedding planning in general, here are a few other tips to keep in mind.
You only need to send one Save the Date per household
Address the Save the Date to the entire family (e.g., The Martinez Family) or use the exact names of the people you intend to invite (Mr. and Mrs. Smith or Bob and Chris Devanthal, for example) if you aren’t including children.
Don’t purposefully send Save the Dates to people you may not invite
It’s one thing to cut your guest list out of necessity, such as an unexpected dip in budget or a venue that has reduced capacity. It’s another to send out 300 Save the Dates knowing you’ll only invite 100 people down the road.
Imagine being the person who gets a Save the Date but not an invitation. At best, they’ll think it’s a mistake and you’ll be forced to correct them during a very unpleasant conversation. At worst, you could offend someone so much they no longer want to be your friend.
Feel free to include your wedding website
If you have space on your Save the Date to include your wedding website and you already have one up and running (or will soon), go ahead and include it. It’s a great way to keep guests up to date on information as you decide on a venue, exact times for the ceremony and reception, and so on.
You can also include a wedding hashtag or link to dedicated social media accounts for the wedding. That way, guests can follow your journey from the initial announcement to photos of your honeymoon.
Skip the registry information
It’s inappropriate to include registry information on your Save the Dates for the same reason you shouldn’t be asking for RSVPs. Recipients haven’t technically even been invited to your wedding yet. Asking for gifts or assuming that you’ll eventually get one is tacky.
If prospective guests ask about your registry, you can share a link on your wedding website.
It may take a minute for you to get used to the rules and recommendations surrounding wedding planning, but as long as your heart is in the right place, everything is almost guaranteed to turn out perfectly.
For more information on when to send your Save the Dates and Wedding Invitations, check out our wedding stationery timeline.